There are few things that make a person feel loved more than when we simply take the time to pause and ask them about their life. Here are five questions that are my “go-to-Q’s” when I am conversating and connecting with my students.
The purpose of this list is not to provide a perfected and exhaustive glossary of fail-safe questions… or a disjointed summary of robotic responses to forever-kill the awkward looong pauses (which are healthy and natural in conversation)… but a simple snapshot of some questions that have worked effectively in helping me begin meaningful conversations with my kids… and (most-importantly) a starting point (hopefully) for authentic connection and an honest relationship.
The origin of this list began a few weeks ago when Amanda and I were preparing for our G-12 meeting with our AM/SM Leaders. We have been reading through Dave Earley’s “8 Habits of Highly Effective Small Group Leaders” together… and were planning to discuss chapter 4 (contacting group members regularly). In this chapter there is a short-list of some suggested conversation-starter questions to ask when you contact your group members. The list included in the book is decent, but is very adult-focused (such as… “How are your kids, job, etc.”)… which doesn’t really relate to our AM/SM Leaders and our desire to build greater connections between them and the kids in our student ministry.
Somewhere in our discussion, Amanda and I began sharing memories of our many (many, many) conversational experiences with students… and recounting the questions that were most successful in guiding students to share (and consequently… helping them feel loved while also giving us some awesome insight into their heart). We discussed the importance of sorting through the closed-ended Q’s (questions that can be answered with a simple “yes” or “no” or the ever-popular “I guess”) that we are tempted to ask… and instead asking open-ended Q’s that naturally flow into other follow-up Q’s. We put our “go-to-Q’s” on paper and shared them with our leaders… and now we are opening this up for your thoughts.
.: Five Q’s for Students…
- How is school? (quick follow-up Q: How are your grades?)
- How are things with your family?
- What music are you rockin’ right now?
- What activities/events do you have coming up?
- What’s the last movie (film/documentary/flick) that you watched?
So… Are there any questions that you would add to this list?
.:rweaver:.
So this is the Weaverblog… pretty cozy. I’m no stranger to blogs or forums so I might just make myself at home.
A little unsure if I’m a student or whatnot but I feel an update still be interesting enough. The whole getting to know people process is never really over anyway. With that said, here are my Five A’s.
How is school? (quick follow-up Q: How are your grades?)
School is so-so. I’m more or less drifting. Grades are okay (2 A’s, 2 B’s, 1 F). I’ve had a change of heart and have elected to change my career path from financial planning to banking (tentatively). My major is Finance and I’m 3 (4) classes away from graduating. The catch is, I have to retake a class (the F, Tax) that’s offered only during the fall. Instead of being upset I’m trying to make the most of this and can’t wait to see what’s going to happen with my however-many months off.
How are things with your family?
Well enough I suppose. I’ve wanted to move out for some time now, but it looks like those plans are going to be pushed back at least until June. I have 2 cousins, one of which (David) officially jumped ship and stepped out into the world west of the Bay. So I’ve been spending a lot of time, mainly online gaming, with my younger cousin, Jake. Jake and I did go in together to get David an Xbox for Christmas so hopefully we’ll be hanging out in one form or another soon. Other than that, nothing to report.
What music are you rockin’ right now?
At the moment… Let it snow, baby… let it reindeer by Relient K (Christmas withdraw), Offspring’s greatest hits, a little Shaggy, and a lot of overly guitarish stuff, like Deep Purple, GNR, and Metallica.
What activities/events do you have coming up?
Winter course @ SU. International Finance. I have nothing good to say about the class and especially the person who teaches it. moving on
Outside of school, my last day of work is wednesday. Making me a full-time xbox game and product quality control supervisor until I feel the need to find a job. Hopefully I’ll be working at PNC by Feb/March.
What’s the last movie (film/documentary/flick) that you watched?
The Princess Bride
Grinch (Jim Carrey)
Jeff Dunham
And that’s it. Kudos on getting this up. Looks great
ha, i think i missed the point of this post… were you actually asking students these questions now? or were you asking leaders what questions they would suggest you ask the students in the future? confused
pardon my triple post, but i think that the time stamp for posts is on central time. i dont see individual user settings, and i’m sure you still have family who would check this, so you probably already know about it. but in case you don’t and would like to change it…
i’ve got a feeling that the modgoblins are going to eat at least 2 of these posts. sorry for cluttering the blog
.: Kyle…
Greatness! You did miss the point of the blog… but your “triple-post” was awesome… so your confusion paid off with some wondrous results (and in no way will “wondrous results” ever be mistaken for “clutter” my friend).
(also… I will tackle the time-stamp issue as soon as I post this reply… thanks for the info…)
Consistent with Question No. 5 (“What’s the last movie (film/documentary/flick) that you watched?”) I would add “What is the last book that you read?”
Note that sometimes it may be necessary to distinguish between the last book that a person started reading and the last book that a person finished, but that just gives you more to talk about and more information about the person’s reading habits. The question can also be interesting because, while just about everyone watches movies at least from time to time, not everyone actually reads books. Unless the person never reads, there are lots of follow ups that could lead to more interesting revelations about the person and his or her interests.
At one time, one of my favorite questions to ask people was “Do you know who John Pershing is/was?” I’d dressed as Pershing for Halloween one year and was surprised to learn that no one knew who he was, so I decided to see just how many people could identify him. I probably asked 40+ people over the course of about 18 months before finally finding one person who knew who Pershing was. But that question tells the asker more about society and our educational system than it does about any individual person, and it might create some defensiveness too. (Almost everyone that I queries was very good natured about being asked, however.)
.: Jacob…
Great question to add to the list!
You are correct in your assessment that fewer people (especially those between the ages of 15-24) read books than those who watch television/movies. Interestingly enough, I have had several unexpected and unsolicited conversations recently with teenagers about books (specifically the “Twilight” series).
…UPDATE…
Just accidentally stumbled upon two blogs that are loosely related to this very topic while I was catching up on a few threads posted on Tim Schmoyer’s Youth Ministry blog.
Here’s one… and here’s another.
Hmm… thats disappointing lol. oh well. What can I say, I was over eager to contribute in some way. Maybe I can offer some constructive criticism instead (now that I know the point).
A suggested question or topics for questions for high school guys could be games and girls. Maybe sports. I’m fairly certain that those topics are constants among high school guys. I wouldn’t get caught up in the drama but it’s always good to listen.
I’m not sure how I feel about the first question. If I were a high schooler coming to AM/SM, I wouldn’t want to talk about school. In fact, guests probably think of get togethers as an escape from school and all things about it. But then again, I was a little slacker kid in high school so maybe it depends on who you ask.
A quick tangent: I hate the phrase Sunday School. To me, the word school has a bad stigma on it and is associated with a place where people must go to be forced into learning things
@Jacob *Has never heard of John Pershing* Commence Wiki-ing.
I was thinking about good questions and most of the questions I normally ask are very similar to ones on this list already. I was thinking though, would it be a good question to ask, “So what did you get into on Saturday?” Cause I feel a question like that would open up to them telling about the types of hobbies or things they like to do, cause thats what people do on saturdays most of the times is the things they enjoy. I realize this question also could just lead to something like, “I don’t know.” or “nothing”. but i was wondering if anyone felt like it had any merit at all…
… thought of a Q since we created this list.
If you could plan your family vacay… Where would you go? What would you do? Who would go with you?
Not from Amanda — from NanaLoves — How about….Though you are a little young to have a “Bucket List”, what would be on yours?
Just an idea.
along with Question #4 you could ask something along the lines of what their hobby/down time is filled with which you could figure out based on their activities.
Along with question #1 one could ask what subjects do you enjoy? or what do you want to be when you head out of school?
All these add on’s are good for continuing on the previous questions to be able to know more about that student or whoever your talking to.
First one of my main stand-by’s is a generic “favorites” question:
“What is your favorite…?” (switch it up all the time movie, band, book, song, sport, athlete, cheese, food, candy, website, form of torture, word for snow [if they are eskimo, cause eskimo's have 29 different words for snow] etc, etc)
Similar to your vacation question I ask “If you could go anywhere in the world and money wasn’t issue, where would you go and what would you do?” (you can turn this in a spiritual direction too but of course don’t have to. but it lends itself to talking about missions, lifestyles, poverty, helping/serving others, etc)
What is something that really makes you mad? or When was the last time you got really angry about something? (sounds like a weird question but you would be surprised how kids will open up and the oppurtunities it gives you to take things in a spiritual direction.)
I used to ask kids “Do you twitter?” but after several took it to mean something completely inappropriate and the police got involved, I don’t so much use that question anymore!!!
How can I pray for you? –you would be surprised how well this works, even with wait staff at restaurants will spill there guts with knowing little more about whether you drink tea or coke and that you like ranch on the side. Kids will open up too.
I also often ask kids if they have a myspace or a facebook? and A new one I am thinking about trying out is asking kids if they have ever googled their own name?